remind me... although I would rather you didn't.

I need to talk with my US doctor. I say remind me cause my memory is shot - too many drugs (prescription, mind you) for far too long... and now my brain is only half intact. Compounded by pain and my brain is nothing more than a sieve.

It's started again... with my eye and then my head and the dizziness and the stumbling and the numbness and the pain. And I don't want to start all over with the poking and the prodding and the hours in an MRI only for more hours to be required and then more blood needed so more bleeding required... I hate all that. I hate needles and shots and solemn expressions while reviewing your charts... I hate testing and inconclusive results... I hate no results too. I hate seeing the doctor and don't really want to have to try to find a kind or caring or considerate Czech physician with expertise in these areas in addition to masterful English skills. And I can't afford to have my records translated, either.

Right now, more than ever before with this group of friends, I feel like an idiot. My concentration is gone, I can't remember my commitments and obligations and even forget that I wrote them down when I do actually write them down. I repeat myself frequently and am distracted by pain and the resulting exhaustion. This comes across as flaky, irresponsible, and disinterested. I'm not, at least not irresponsible in the manner conveyed and I'm not disinterested - and not really flaky unless it deals with my physical well-being.

I don't like feeling like my outer me, the physical me, is taking me away from who I am. And I do. Again.

another reason to always have food in the house...

that way when you fall down and get a concussion you won't starve.

i am not full of that kind of forethought and so was forced to go to the store. treacherous trip that it was, i survived and now have food for a bit.

i had to walk around the corner to catch a bus for a 2 minute ride to the store... went shopping, got in the wrong line, couldn't understand why i couldn't use my card (cash only line which is quite clearly and universally marked) forgot all my most basic czech, couldnt work the atm (bankomat here), and walked half way home with three bags of groceries before stopping to catch the bus...

clearly still not thinking well.

that is the only thing i did yesterday, and it took me until 4 pm to get it together to get out of the house.

today i feel much, much better. plenty of rest, some medication (yeah, i had to talk to the doctor, and it's confirmed i have a concussion), and some fresh food.

later i am going to get out of my house again... i hope to meet a friend for a movie or tea or something... we'll see.

urgh.

it's starting to get a bit warmer over here. no, not warm, warmer. as in, it's approaching zero and instead of icy steps there spots of slush on the sidewalks.

i was slipping and sliding all day yesterday, trying to stay upright throughout my treks across town. as i approached my home i was having a mental conversation in my success in avoiding not only the black ice that still exists, but also on managine to skate through the slushy spots without falling when suddenly i fell.

not one of those - oh wow i'm falling, this is taking a lifetime on the way down sort of things, but much more my feet flew out in front of my and up over my head the instant my head smacked the ground...

that was yesterday. today i am still dizzy. even laying in bed i have a terrible headache. and my shoulder is feeling pretty poorly. i didn't go to the computer lab today. i am still here, in bed, trying to get my act together and muddle through and it's nearly 1pm. urgh.

first day

this week is the first time pain has raised it's ugly head. i didn't recognize it at first and thought that a kid had poked me in the back with something sharp, but i was wrong. right now it's raining, and my body hurts. really hurts. not just discomfort, which i distinguish from pain - discomfort has been a companion here for a while. along with pain the funky nerve stuff is affecting an eye, and my sensations are off. this is a big bummer for me. but at least this time, this year, i know what i'm dealing with, and so hopefully will be better equipped to handle it. more rest. regular sleep and healthy meals. downtime - which i don't have enough of right now. relaxing - again there's a bit of a shortage there too. peace.