not much new... it's just blerg - skip it if you want

I've had so much going on lately, but not much new. I'm still a bit unsettled about the whole work thing and my direction here - and that's caused a bit of overdue self-reflection... along the lines of WTF am I doing here? I've been asking myself that a lot lately as I sit on the tram on my way to a job where I feel like I'm being stifled and not able to be as fully effective as I could/should be for any number of reasons. I had high hopes that would change but it hasn't and I am at a loss as to how to fix it. Time I suppose, but it's not necessarily time I want to invest on a hope...

It's more than that. It's the lack of direction, the lack of focus and my current inability to identify what drives me. It's like I'm completely lacking my motivation and haven't figured out how to turn on my inner drive. It's not the happiest of places to be.

In fact, I've been feeling in such a rut and so overwhelmed with work/school/health stuff that I've seriously questioned my continued existence in this country. Sometimes things just seem a little too foreign still, and it's not a language thing, it's more like inter-personal behavior and a cultural thing. Other times I just feel too sensitive to deal with what's going on... it's too blunt, too harsh, too flippant, too indifferent. Too much.

And then I think about what I have here that's positive and lovely - primarily, my friends. They're valued and treasured for so many reasons more than what you'd normally value and treasure your friends for if we're talking about people in and from your country of origin. Hard to describe but there's a different sense of unity within an expat community - even if we're all from different places we're incredibly united by both language and circumstances. I look to them for strength and advice in situations that my back-home friends couldn't understand. We're part of a smaller community within this large city and it's insular and tight-knit and I love them.

I'm continually growing and developing new relationships and dynamics and exploring new avenues, but it's all without structure and so sometimes things feel so flash in the pan and empty at times... it's crap. It's that lame-ass ennui. But it's not cause I'm trying to fight it - it's being discontent with the discontent, I'm not embracing it, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and a little lost and trying to figure out how to get over it.

I'm used to something different. I feel the need for a change, but I'm acknowledging, now, that change isn't one that needs to be external circumstances. It's me. I need to fix it myself, find my passion, re-connect with what feeds me, incorporate it on a stronger level, and then figure out if where I'm at, physically, is what's right for me or not... and if not then address the question - where is?