ugh

Having another one of those - why the hell am I here and what am I doing days. Feeling pretty low right now and not sure why everything suddenly got so difficult.

Yesterday, while stopped in a tram, I saw a guy get run over and trapped by a car. At the next tram stop there was a little lost hysterical child being ignored on the street. Even though I was stuck in a tram and unable to provide assistance, my level of ignorance was reinforced - I realized I couldn't remember the emergency number here, that I need a CPR refresher course, that my language is so limited and not yet embedded in my brain so that I couldn't think of the words I wanted under pressure even though I "knew" them, and that I was disgusted by the way the mothers, teens, grandmas and business people at the tram stop ignored the little girl - when even I understand she was lost and couldn't find where she needed to be. It took a dirty homeless-looking punk rock guy walking up the hill to stop and give her directions.

Those most likely affected my mood but it's not what's got me down. It's not the dreary weather either. I think it's being sick again and then suddenly having aggressive argumentative people around. I don't get why people choose to carry hostility with them. I don't understand. I am feeling constricted and a little suffocated. And my ability to be effective a bit stunted. This is not a good start to the school year or for the beginning of the cold weather. I really hope things change soon.

(I found a new Czech teacher. I've been working on learning Czech with friends and colleagues but it's not nearly enough. I lack structure and integration. Words here and here help me to understand others' conversations but don't allow me to participate at all. We were supposed to start this week but then I got sick so it'll be next. That I'm happy about.)