a little midnight anxiety

It's not keeping me up, I'm awake already, but my knee and potential surgery are kind of freaking me out right now. I'm starting to realize that I'll be here alone. And the hospitals here are clean but not friendly - 8 - 10 people per room, no dividing curtains, no sensitive caring nurses (nurses galore, just not sweet ones), I won't have any family around, I'm terrified of needles - and I have a very real and rather firmly entrenched fear of pain. Not just a dislike of pain, as is most common, but an actual fear of experiencing pain. After many years of a pain condition it's become ingrained in me - not knowing when it will stop increasing in intensity - being fearful that it won't; when, if ever, it will end; how to make it stop without screwing up my brain or the rest of my body... stuff like that. I'm realizing that this will be a very lonely and isolating experience. Right now I don't even know if I'll be having surgery in my "home" town or a few hours away - honestly, though, it won't matter when it comes to company. When I had major surgery in the US I was about an hour away from my house and the only person I saw was my husband. I was there for a week. I'll be in hospital for about a week here, too, but I'm no longer married so I can't count on that. And the hospital is in the outskirts of the city, in a rather isolated and difficult to reach location.  I honestly don't expect anyone will make it out there. The kid will already be back in the US so that's a no-go. Even if she weren't I wouldn't necessarily want her to come see me and stress out about stitches and tubes and stuff like that. Kids don't want to see their parents out of it. On the plus side, I will have competent care. I will be able to walk freely in a few months and I will be able to pay for it without having to worry about going in to debt. Maybe I'll get some new pajamas for the thing. You don't get much here, not even a real gown. When my friend broke his head and spent a week in the hospital he was in his underwear until I brought him some clothes - and the half dozen men in his room were either naked under the blankets or naked under the hospital gown - and let me tell you.... it's not just in the US that the gowns aren't made to fit. I believe that design flaw is global.