death and a departure

I haven't posted much lately; I've had a great two months with my kid while she's been in town - while it's been peaceful and relaxing it also seems as though we've been chock full with activity. We both hit a new decade and took some trips to celebrate. She got to reconnect with old friends and made some new ones. It is such a pleasure having here here. She left today. 

While she was here I moved, again. This time from a small place that was making me quite sick - mold - to a much larger and more spacious and healthy environment. The thing is - this has only been my home with her presence and now... now it's empty. Loomingly empty.

This week has also brought about news of the death of two friends - one I have known for 4 years but until this year thought of him as a strictly fun and party kind of guy. This year I got to know the inner bit and I found a lot of respect and a new appreciation for him. The other I've known for about 15 years and had a tremendous amount of respect for him. One lived here, one lived back in my hometown. The one here I saw with some frequency, the other I'd make a point to stop by and see him each trip home. One had recently expressed his desire to return home, move away from the partying and start a "real" more substantial phase of his life, the other was married, had children and was successful in his work life.

They both died of a heart attack. They were both far too young for such a thing. 

For some reason this is sticking with me. My local friend - we couldn't have been more different. But we both valued family and our friends and both of us knew this wasn't permanent. This was fun and temporary and offered a modicum of success in our respective career paths but didn't allow for opportunities in the ways we each wanted - familial connections and support and wider ranging financial and personal development in the work arena. 

I'm going to miss these people. They weren't a part of my daily life and they've not left a nagging hole but I'm accustomed to them and their role in my life and I enjoyed their company. I'm also stuck looking at the disparity of two men who died unexpectedly and the lives they led; trying to think about my own.

And, after dropping my kid off at the airport at 5 a.m. this morning and returning home to a hot bath, with these various forms of loss weighing on my mind I felt lonely. Not alone, but lonely. Empty and alone. For the first time in a long time. I think a hot dinner, a good night's sleep and some time will help to alleviate that; developing a new routine, putting my house in order will help to create a new sense of belonging, but right now this is where I'm at. At home. Alone. Sad. And lonely.