Recently I ran in to someone I'd met shortly after arriving here. Our interactions then, and my feelings about them, when set against our interactions now have helped me to see how I've had a positive shift in my focal point and comfort level since I left the US.
I think it's not uncommon for newly displaced persons to feel a need to connect - connect with anyone willing to engage with them on any of a variety of levels, pleasant interaction preferably, in their native language possibly, but with some shared dynamic that will help them to feel comfortable in affirming themselves and their presence in this new world.
I know I did, and I know many other people who acknowledge having been in the same place.
When this need isn't readily met there comes along a sense of artificiality - or maybe that's just part of moving to a new country... nothing quite feels real just yet - not vacation, but not home, and definitely not real life. Almost, but not quite, one may become a caricature of oneself. I can't say to what extent I adopted this 'other me' but I know I met quite a few versions of various people that don't truly exist.
That initial need for connection meant that I created immediate social circles, groups of people with language as our one uniter - I've written on this before and don't need to rehash it again. I appreciate these various groups of people, and many of them are still a part of my life today, but in ways that have evolved since we first met. We've all changed drastically in the past year... most likely in ways we would never have imagined back in our country of origin.
It took me a while to move beyond English as being the sole unifying factor and in to finding friends who are friends due to our various other commonalities... shared interests, humor, activities, ideas, etc.
Now when I contrast the 'me' today to the 'me', say 8 or 10 months ago, I find a few things...
ONE - I am carrying a lot of different stress for very different reasons than I was then, and am more aware of it... that's what comes to mind first in my initial instance of self-reflection... not quite as good as..
TWO - I am happier. I wasn't unhappy then (except for the time right after my return from Christmas when I was sick, isolated, without Coral and had a concussion), but I am happier now.
I came with ideas and ideals, and while they still exist I can't say I've done much to make them whole... but I've done enough to help me grow... and I have more work to do. In lots of ways. In various aspects.
The quality of my friendships and the quality of my friends are an indicator to me that things are good. That's what prompted this - I can see that the people who I immediately had surrounded myself may not have been the healthiest or most grounded or most 'real' options out there - but they were the options I had at the time, and have helped me by being supportive and caring and present to the best of their abilities - and I have returned that to them as well. And then, for a few, there came a point where I could no longer view them as having a positive, caring and honorable presence in my life... and now, they're not in it.
And that is the difference. It almost made me sad seeing my friend. There is this magical quality about my first few months here - and that sentiment is shared by everyone I experienced that time with. Life was a party, truly, and while everything has repercussions the idea of being here was still so novel and exciting and new that the idea (and actuality) of those repercussions hitting never popped in to existence. Today - some of those people have since relocated, been reassigned, reunited with families, distanced themselves even further from their loved ones, moved to the other side of the world (both North and South America), had children, lost parents, lost friends, lived up to expectations, failed to make an effort at true responsibility.
I don't know where I fit in on the evaluation, but I know this. I think that being here is worth the effort it takes... and yet right now it feels like that effort is breaking my body. Yet, when I see my kid and I know how happy she is, and when I get up and am myself happy and anxious to get to the interesting part of my day - those things let me know I'm headed down the right track.
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