My cynical romance.... drink, drugs, debauchery...

OK, ok, ok. So maybe it's not my romance, but rather my current perspective on romance ( see the post immediately below and you'll have an idea for my current state of mind).

But there are things I've noticed here and I'm trying to develop my thoughts... bear with me - or not... you can stop reading now if you want... really, you might want to...

As I have mentioned before, this is a very transitory place. I've met so many people who come here for a short period of time, and jump in - drink, drugs, debauchery - and then move on... or stick around... and are still living the Vegas life (minus the gambling and the showgirls)...

Connections are tenuous. Depth may be superficial. I'd say skin deep, but for many that's as far as they want to get... and they don't want you any more involved in their own life either. You have exposure to more personas than personalities. Gratification is paramount.

It's hard to filter out the wheat from the shaft. It's hard to trust your own judgement when those around you are so eager to engage - and you too are striving to connect. At times I see many lonely people carrying on and connecting with other lonely people, yet no one acknowledging their truth... and those connections are as false and empty as their protestations of joy and bliss... and it disgusts me and makes me sad.

The sadness stems from observing how many people are out there, lonely and searching for others like themselves... how many people are seeking something more... how many are out of touch with their inner being... how lonely that must be not knowing yourself as your first and foremost friend. People are running and running but just aren't running fast enough to really get away from themselves...

Disgust only comes when I can recognize that shallow attempt at a self-serving existence actually comes with some self-awareness... and, for a few, is a fully conscious, cognizant choice.

I've met so many people - some wonderful, yet obviously, some not... and every now and then (this being a then) I take a look around at those for whom my emotions verge upon contempt - and wonder - am I too engaging in that shallow world? do I also deny myself for the illusion of acceptance, replace the idea of belonging with actual belonging, supplant my self-worth with a perceived 'social value'?

And then I take a look around again, and realize that I hold my awareness dearly. That I love genuinely and am loved so in return. That while I may talk and dance and stay out late and at times try to avoid the empty mommy spot inside, I am aware of who I am and what I am and genuinely engage the authentic me with those around me...

And that is being me to the best of my ability at this exact moment in time.

The cynicism stems from those who respond to who I am - either boys much, much younger than me... or men more age appropriate who are stuck in that - this is temporary life, if not for me then for you... and so the opportunity for a genuine connection is nearly gone before an acquaintance has moved in to a friendship.

And then I look at my married friends here and realize, the cynicism stems not only from the men I've encountered, but also the bad mood I'm in... there are expats here who have met and connected and are happily married. Not that that's what I aspire to (relax family, it's NOT) but just knowing that some people move beyond the short term state of mind (referring not only to relationship but also to location) and find a way to connect is refreshing and has just gone some ways to restoring my faith in humanity.

I need to go to sleep. And yes, I know this emptiness is not isolated to Prague - people hurt and are shallow and superficial the world over. I'm just tired and it's bugging me. That's it.